Friday, July 25, 2014

As the Dust Settles...

              Tonight I just wanted to right down some thoughts that have been on my mind, although this blog is about my son it's just as much about me as well. So I have been going through some very personal things over these last few days and I haven't had much time to reflect on them besides when the dust settles at night and my mind isn't consumed with everyday life that I really start to think about my life. As I was just about to fall asleep tonight I noticed my mind shut off all the daily wonders and thoughts and then I was just about to start thinking about the one thing that's troubling me the most and I just had to get up because I didn't want to think of that. It's hard not being able to say exactly what it is that's bothering me but I believe we all have had that thought and time when there is one specific thing on our minds and it's nice when it becomes lost in other everyday thoughts.

            So I thought why not get up and write about it, I love to write anyway and because this is so easy to write about  things when it's personal, I find it comes more naturally. Lets just say I've been struggling with who I am really and what I want to be in life as a person. Not a physical person but my mind set, I feel like it has changed over the years as I've gotten older but it's also stayed the same which I can't help. But in some way I believe we can all change how we think and feel about things over time.

          In the back of my mind I know how I feel about things and how I want to act on them or say about them but in real life it's like the cat has my tongue and nothing will come out how I really see it. Maybe it's like that thing in the movies where the person is thinking about doing something and they show us the thought but then the person comes back to reality and they aren't going anything of the sort. I feel like I have that a lot and usually I don't think about crazy outlandish things but reasonable things but I don't have the gut to do it or say it. That quality I believes in a way makes me a push over to some sort or just a coward that I can't do or say how I really feel so I hide it and no one really see's the really me but what I want them too.

         This all might not even make sense to anyone reading but it feels good to let it out and I appreciate you reading and maybe even understanding my thoughts. I guess in the end is all I'm saying is that I at times get trapped in my own mind and don't know how to speak it entirely so it comes out in no way that I wanted it too or it just doesn't at all and I leave it for the pillow. For the end of the day when everything has settled and it's probably to late to be the real me. I will work on this and see how my post about this change over time and I hope I can say someday soon that I'm not afraid to be the person inside who at times doesn't always feel like the one in the mirror...

This picture is a good representation of how I feel at times, on the inside I'm safe and concealed but outside of my mind it's really beautiful what I can accomplish if I just let go and show everyone the real me.

July 25,2014

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